Monday Motivator: Choose How We’ll Act

One of the advantages of being an English nerd is that, even in the most horrible of times, I can remember something I’ve read that brings me a bit of comfort. This week, it was this:

“I wish it need not have happened in my time,” said Frodo.
“So do I,” said Gandalf, “and so do all who live to see such times. But that is not for them to decide. All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given us.”

― J.R.R. Tolkien, The Fellowship of the Ring

There is no doubt that the world is in crisis right now. So, what can we do with our time?

1. We can realize that a lot of people are afraid right now, and we can be patient and kind.
2. We can remember that there is always suffering in the world, and there is never a reason for us to add to it and always a reason to be kind.
3. We can choose not to be part of the divisive trolling and criticizing that is so much of public discourse these days.
4. We can take breaks when we need to, whether it’s from the news or social media or the daily pressures that we all face.
5. We can find the good people (or, as Mr. Rogers said, the helpers).
6. And, if I didn’t make myself clear before, we can be kind in our daily interactions.

Gandalf was right. We all may wish that bad things would not happen. But, in reality, we can only choose how we will live through them.

Monday Motivator: Be a Praiser, Not a Hater

Last night, Nathan Chen did a back flip during the Winter Olympics figure skating gala. I do not skate. In fact, I find standing on my icy front step a medal-worthy activity. So, I don’t know how hard the back flip is, but I do know it looks pretty cool.

However, if you went on Twitter, you would find a whole series of comments about how Nathan was not the first person to do the back flip, how so many other people had done it before, and some of them even better.

Keep in mind Chen had already won a gold and that the gala allows the skaters to show off their skills without the pressure of competing. Also, note that Chen never claimed that he was the first to do the flip. Yet as Taylor Swift said, “Haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate.”

But we don’t have to be part of that. We can be the first to praise and give a thumbs up. We can choose to be quiet when tempted to lay on another level of criticism.

We may not be able to change the world or the world as it seems on social media. But we can change our small part of it.

And appreciate anyone who can do a backflip on ice.

Monday Motivator: No, We Don’t Know How Others Feel

Every Sunday morning, I read a short essay that is supposed to set my intention for the week. This week, the message was to listen more. Then this sentence came up: “When you are listening to someone with troubles, don’t tell them that you know how they feel.  You don’t.”

This struck me because a friend had sent me another reading just the night before with the very same message. (Okay, universe, I get it! I promise!)

Most of us use that phrase to show sympathy and establish a bond. Unfortunately, it tends to do neither.

When we tell people that we know how they feel and then tell them stories about our own similar situations, without even realizing it, we have taken over the conversation and made the story about us, not them. Often what was supposed to be a comforting situation turns out to be an unintentional contest to see who has suffered more or who has borne suffering better. Niether is useful.

So what should we do? Well, it’s what we’ve heard over the years. Stop talking. Start listening. When we talk, simply ask what we can do to help.

I have to admit that I cringed when I realized how my offers of sympathy over the years could have gone so wrong. But as they say, tomorrow is a new day. I plan to be better.

And here is the link to the article my friend sent me.

Monday Motivator: You Could Be Wrong

In his song, “Manana,” Jimmy Buffet tells us to remember that we could ‘wind up being wrong.’ It’s good advice.

Many pundits talk about the polarization of America right now. Part of that has to come from people just plain out refusing that they might be wrong about something. It’s disheartening to see the mental gymnastics folks go through to ‘be in the right.’

Writer Adam Grant notes that one of the ways to get out of the ‘I’m always right’ mode is to lead with curiosity instead of conviction. Instead of looking for an argument, simply enjoy learning how other people see the world. Do a little research on points of the view that don’t agree with yours. People who are secure aren’t afraid of new ideas. Entertain them. You can always discard them.

I’m lucky that I have two colleagues who remind me to question myself. One constantly questions her own positions. “What if they’re right?” she often asks when reading an article that doesn’t agree with her point of view.

Another just calls me out when I get too entrenched in a position. She has no problem bringing up sources that support other positions. Sometimes I’m annoyed, but in the end, I’m always grateful for her.

I’m lucky to have these folks in my life. If you don’t have such a person, go find one. Right now.